Dear Jack
by TheHildur92
Summary: Ennis Del Mar writes a final letter to Jack Twist after his lover s death. He has travelled to Brokeback and reminisces on his time with Jack and how the loss has affected him. Ennis/Jack.


_Dear Jack,_

 _I still find it difficult to believe that you are gone. It´s almost as if time stopped the moment I got on the phone with your wife and she told me of your fate. I´m still waiting for it to move again._

 _When I wake up the mornings, I can smile for a moment before it dawns on me that you are gone. I will never see you smile again, hear your voice or run my fingers through your dark locks. What hurts the most is the fact I could have prevented this; had I not been such a stubborn son of bitch, I would have been there when those assholes attacked you, been able to prevent it. Guilt is a burden I´ve become used to carrying around on my shoulders. Sometimes, your absence hurts so bad I feel like I can´t breathe. I´m here now up on Brokeback where we shared all those beautiful moments together. Here, amidst the running water, singing birds and wind ruffling my hair, I feel like I can breathe again._

 _You always used to say I should learn to appreciate the passing moment, because it might never come again. I´ve now come to know the meaning of those words. I should have treasured each moment with you, but like a fool I didn´t know how to do that. Like a fool, I thought we had all the time in the world. I should have known what I had found in you, but like a fool I only realized it too late for reparation. A wise man counts his blessings when he has them._

 _I have now come to understand that you were not a curse, as I once thought, or a test from God. Rather, you were a gift from Him. You deserved more than my feeble attempts at what some might call love and others a worthless shadow of that which does not deserve a name. I didn´t appreciate you like I should have and now He has taken you back._

 _I sometimes feel like I can hear your voice on the wind as it whispers along the grass as I fish on the bank of the river. It calms me, soothes me. Here, I am home. With you, I am home. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for you to pull up with that smile on your face. Would it be selfish of me to ask God for one more word from your lips, one more embrace, one last night?_

 _I remember when you rode through the storm to save me up on the mountain that first summer. I had lost the sheep due to the lightning and my horse ran away, and I lost my bearings. I was beginning to despair, when you appeared like a phantom out of the darkness. You descended from the horse, and uncharacteristically, I stalked up to you and kissed you passionately, your hat fell from your head to the ground. You had a stupid grin on your face for the rest of the week. I´m grateful for moments like that._

 _That last night we shared together was magical. Instead of pulling away from me as you usually did, you rested your head on my shoulder and I put my arms around you. It´s my consolation for arguing with you the next day. For sending you away when you drove up to see me after you had heard about the divorce. I was a stupid, ignorant son of a bitch, blinded by my own pride. I tricked myself into believing that you couldn´t possibly love me. When I found out about Mexico that drove me over the edge. I loved you and yet, felt a strange hatred towards you because I believed you had made me what I was. That if it had not been for you I wouldn´t be the sick fucker I was, incapable of even something as simple as maintaining a family. Now, I know none of that was your fault. You were my family. I should have seen that, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn´t it?_

 _Those bastards took a lot from me, but deep inside, I know that they didn´t take what mattered most. You live on inside me and I´ll never forget, that I promise you, Jack. They took our future, but I´ll be damned if I let them have our past as well, that is ours and ours alone. They took the places we never visited, they took November. But they will never have our summer upon Brokeback, that kiss we shared after meeting again after all those years. They can have tomorrow, but never yesterday._

 _On the other side, I know I must let you go. I can´t spend my life wallowing in regret. My daughters need their father, I´ll not deprieve my future grandchildren of knowing me. I´ll tell them about you. One day, I might even find someone else. But I know I will never love them like I did you._

 _I was given a glimpse of eternity, and like Icarus, I flew too far and fell to the ground. Yet, I know our story will not be forgotten once we have passed. It´s written in every stone upon the mountan, our songs are still being sung by the river as it dashes upon the rocks. In still moments, I can still hear you sing to me that psalm you loved so much. It´s where I have now brought your ashes to be interred along with this letter. Lurlynn didn´t really take a lot of persuading, seeing as she knew how much you loved that place. I´m beginning to think she knows about you and me, but really don´t care anymore. Tomorrow I will scatter your ashes on the lake we used to swim in and bid you farewell._

 _All in all, I count myself blessed. Some people spend their lives searching for their one, true love. Others only have a few years with their loved one. I was given twenty years. I know what it is to love and be loved in return. Not many peopel can say that. Thank you for teaching me to love, to open up my heart._

 _When my time comes, I´ll find you on the other side._

 _Love, Ennis._


End file.
